


Camping’s Bad

by EnInkahootz



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Dark Comedy, Don't worry the animals will be fine, Gen, Humor, Sakaar (Marvel), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Unnamed people die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 07:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16969929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnInkahootz/pseuds/EnInkahootz
Summary: The Grandmaster explains to the reader why he banned camping on Sakaar.  Inspired by this exchange in a deleted scene fromThor Ragnarok:Thor: "He said he was camping. That's not so bad."Grandmaster: "Camping's bad."





	Camping’s Bad

First of all, I don’t get why you’re questioning my laws. I mean, who are you anyway? How did you find this? Who gave you permission to read it? Who, who? 

Well, I do appreciate a saucy little rebel (to a point), so I’ll tell you why I banned camping on Sakaar. But don’t you dare interrupt me. I haven’t gotten to melt anyone in foreeeeeever and it’s really, really annoying. So, maybe, uh, yeah, actually _do_ interrupt me.

It was a dark and stormy night. No, no, not really. It was like, ten in the morning. I was out on one of my strolls - but not, uh, a boring old walking kind of stroll, no, no, I have twenty Strolling Ships (though I only had three at the time). They fly low to the ground and have all glass floors, so I can look lovingly on my people from above. I like to wave down at them - Helllllloooooo!

But that day, guess what, just guess what I saw? 

No, really, guess. That way if you get it wrong I can, uh, melt you.

Fine, fine, fine, you got me, I’ll tell you. But I have to say I really don’t think you’re being very accommodating.

So, there I was on my stroll and I come across these guys. They have a little fire set up and they’re all sitting around it with these sticks. Oooh, I said to myself, sticks! See, I was designing my Melt Stick around that time. I was seeking inspiraaation. 

I landed my ship and the guys are like - oooh, what, hey it’s the creator of our planet! They were really, really lucky to get to meet me. So, uh, I said I had to borrow their sticks for my project and this one guy was like - wait, no, what about our marshmallows?

Okay, so here’s the thing about marshmallows:

You know those tiny ones they put in hot chocolate? I used to build little houses out of them, sometimes whole scenes, and it was so fun. They were like little bricks, and I used chocolate sauce for the glue, and then candies to decorate, and my creations were just brilliant. Everyone said so. But the thing is, I got bored because, well, they didn’t _do_ anything. So, I decided to add some of my tech.

Now I know what you’re thinking: great idea, Grandmaster, your tech is, uh, amazing! And you’re right, of course. But it turns out there’s some weird thing about marshmallows, some chemical or something. Maybe they’re dark magic. Maybe they’re spies from an unknown planet sent to destroy us all. I don’t know. They’re, uh, a horrifying mystery for the ages. But, long story short, I burned down my first palace.

So, you can see why marshmallows are not my favorite. I told the guy the story, and he didn’t seem to get how it was all the marshmallows’ fault! They took my palace! - I told him, and do you know what he did?

Guess, guess.

Fine, don’t, I’ll tell you (god, you’re exhausting). He LAUGHED at me. Can you imagine?

Well he regretted that, let me tell you. Like I said, I hadn’t made my Melt Stick yet, but I had a different toy. The Buzzer, it’s called, and it just sat on my palm and - bzzzzzz handshake of death. It wasn’t as fun as the Melt Stick - a lot less delightfully gooey - but these were still the early days of Sakaar. The fun was just getting started.

After that rude guy was out of the way, the others all started screaming and ran into these little tents they had set up. I told them to stop because I wasn’t going to buzz _them_ because they had given me their sticks without objection, unlike the rude electrocuted guy. But they wouldn’t stop freaking out. So, there I was trying to make friends with my subjects, and they wouldn’t even come out of their little tents! Not sociable. No no no.

Sakaar is a _fun_ planet, I told them, and you can’t just hide in, in private little tents. That’s not fun. You need a lot of people for fun. And drinks, and music, and exciting activities like dancing and sex and violence.

But no matter what I said these weird guys just hid in their tents. Rude. I realized I could unzip the tents from the outside though, so I helped the guys out one by one. They didn’t seem to get I just wanted us all to have a good time. Those evil tents must have sucked out their sense of fun, uh, what a nightmare for them. I wanted to help! So, I brought them back to my new palace to show them a good time. These were some really lucky guys.

I sent them to the baths to get all gussied up for that night’s party. Later I went to check on my new friends. One of the bath attendants had folded up the old dirty clothes the guys had been wearing. I decided to get a better look at their terrible outfits before I threw them out. There were a lot of big pockets in the pants. I reached into one that was on the side of the leg part and found a bag of something.

Okay, really, you have to be able to guess it this time. It’s sooooo easy, you’re not even trying.

FINE: IT WAS A BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS.

Can you believe he brought those into my palace after hearing that story? 

I admit, I kind of lost my temper. I ripped open the bag of marshmallows and threw them into the bath water. I don’t remember what I said but I know there was swearing. Then I threw The Buzzer into the water. Oops. So much for those guys. It was too bad because for a minute I thought they might know how to party. But really, uh, I guess the bigger problem was that when The Buzzer electrocuted the marshmallow-ey water… KABOOOOOOOM and there went my second palace. Including those nifty new sticks of inspiration I had collected, can you believe it? I was so mad.

So, I banned marshmallows. Obviously. I’m telling you, those things are bad news.

The next month I’m on another stroll and I see one of those little fires with those stupid little tents around them. I landed and, uh, I go up to the guys and I’m like - you better not have any marshmallows.

They were all like noooooo of course not, Grandmaster - but they had the shifty eyes so I sent one of my guards to search the tents and what did he find? (I’m not even going to bother to ask you to guess anymore because it’s clear you’re no fun.) HE FOUND MORE OF THOSE GOD FORSAKEN MARSHMALLOWS.

I asked the guys to explain themselves and they said they aren’t _really_ marshmallows but ‘vegan sticky puffs.’ I don’t know what the hell vegan is, but they definitely looked like marshmallows, so I had to buzz those guys too.

When I got back home, I was sad because these villains calling themselves marshmallows, they wouldn’t leave me alone. All I wanted was to have a good time and they kept, just kept on ruining everything. I didn’t get it, so I sent one of my guards to find another of these little setups with the tents and a little fire and maybe some sticks and god forbid (or _Grandmaster_ forbid hahaha) those, uh, wee wee vile pillows of doom at the ends of them. Get a guy from there, I told my guard, and bring him back for a visit. 

When the guy was here, I demanded - explain, explain this practice with the fire and the tents and why these gelatinous monstrosities continue to taunt me! The guy said he never had any marshmallows in his life. Yeah right, liar. So: buzz.

What am I going to do, I asked myself as the guards took away the buzzed guy. Hmmmmmm, I pondered. Then I realized that - AH-HA - that if there were no tents, they wouldn’t be able to hide from the marshmallow raids I also realized just then were a great idea.

So, I banned tents.

You’d think that would have been the end of it, but no. Because people can be just _so rude_. There I am on a stroll a few weeks later and I see one of the little fires. There are people sitting around it but no tents! So, I go ahead and give myself a pat on the back. Then I figure I may as well, I just may as well go down and say hi, congratulate them on following the laws. I’m just a really, really kind ruler that way.

The guys are like - oh heyyyyyy - really, really suspicious-like. So, I had one of my guards search their pockets for marshmallows. He didn’t find any and I was so happy and shocked! I was just about to invite the guys over to party as a reward…

But then my guard said - look what I found - and you know what it was? (You won’t guess this time, don’t even try.) A PINK MARSHMALLOW IN THE SHAPE OF A BUNNY!!! The guy tried to say it _wasn’t_ a marshmallow but a ‘peep bunny’. Whatever, guy. 

I banned ‘peeps’ but I kind of thought they weren’t a real thing and the guy had just made up the word. So, just to be safe, I also banned bunnies. 

But then one day I met a real live bunny and I was like, damn it this thing is cute. I decided to adopt a lot of them because, hey, _I_ don’t have to follow my laws. But it turns out those things have a loooooot of babies and soon they were kind of, uh, taking over the palace. They were too cute to get rid of, so I just made them their own palace.

But I guess they kept having babies (these guys just can’t keep it in their pants) (okay, touché, pot-kettle) and I kept having to make their palace bigger. Then I didn’t want it to be bigger than mine, obviously, so I kept having to expand mine, which was fun fun fun - but the construction noises were, uh, terrible. 

Long story short I ended up with thirty-three separate bunny palaces. To date. What a cute-tastrophe! 

And that, dear reader, is why I had to ban camping on Sakaar.

_PS: Tours of my bunny palaces available upon request, if I decide I like you enough._

_PPS: You’re welcome for letting you read this but now I have to erase your memory with this nifty device of mine called The Snow Storm! You’re lucky, not a lot of people get to have it used on them. Well, uh, there have actually been kind of a lot. But you get to be one of them! Now hold still while I aim this thing…_


End file.
